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Monday, April 11, 2011

wait and wait

Major emotional problems there is with assisted conception

You build your hope so high because you think it's gonna work coz you have some sort of a help from someone who is an expert and at the end of the cycle, You ended up crying like crazy because the result is negative and you have to go through everything again next cycle.

I have gotten treatment from 3 different doctors in 6 months - time and it's either they failed me, or I failed myself. This time around, I chose not to let myself believe that it's gonna work that easy because no matter how good the chances are, still neither me, the doctor, my husband, or my family can control. It is up to Allah swt.

I am now 6 days prior to the day my period should due and everyday is a challenge for me. I try my very best to keep my self busy and not to expect anything, but god knows deep in my heart, I am so hoping that this month is the end of all this process and in 8 months time, someone will call me mommy.

But if Allah swt choose to continue to test me, I am more than willing to wait and not give up hope.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

11th day

Yay!!! Saya tak perlu buat laparoscopic ovarian drill..Lega.baru boleh tdo malam dgn lenanya.sejak 2@3 hari sblm pegi jumpa Dr. ni, sy mmg susah ati sbb takut kena operate tu.tp nasib baik tak payah.

Telur ade 3 biji dan baru hari ke 11 dah besar sampai 2.6 mm. So Dr Sharifah bg injection supaya boleh buat timed intercousse. Chances tinggi sikit bulan ni berbanding bulan lepas.

Harap menjadi...amin

Monday, March 21, 2011

promises are made to be broken

Saya mulakan blog dengan satu janji pada diri : Saya akan cuba sedaya upaya untuk tidak menunjukkan kesedihan dan keperitan saya . Tapi hari ini, saya mungkir.

Satu malam, emosi saya amat terganggu, menangis teresak esak mcm anak kecik di peha mama. Rasanya dunia ini amat kejam dan tidak adil.  Bertanya pada mama apa salah saya sampai saya terpaksa lalui semua ni? Katanya ini dugaan. Saya kata pada mama, "Boleh tak mama buat emy lupa, buat emy tak fikir.emy tak tahan".  Mama kata mama cuba mintak ubat. Buat pertama kalinya saya mandi bunga. kelakar pun ade,nk percaya atau tak, pun saya tak tau. Saya cuba bermacam cara supaya saya lupa dan tidak sedih. Setiap kali saya sedih, jika ada ruang, saya bershopping. Habis duit pun tak pe sebab kepayahan mencari duit tidaklah sepayah dan seperit apa yang saya lalui. Saya pegi holiday, saya plan untuk tukar kereta, beli rumah, beli tanah, plan bukak bisness baru,tengok wayang, karaoke, mandi manda, dari sekecil kecil usaha hingga ke besar besar usaha tp ternyata, semua itu hanya boleh buat saya gembira sebentar sahaja. Saya cuba untuk jauhkan diri dari masyarakat supaya saya tak sakit dengan pertanyaan dan kenyataan. Bukan nak lari, tp cuma memberi ruang untuk diri tenang. Lari dari Facebook dan Blog, lari dari manusia manusia yang telah, sedang dan akan membuat saya menangis. Tapi bak kata Aini Qamariah, "sampai bila nak lari emy?" jawapan yang boleh saya beri " sampai masa nya tiba saya tahu saya telah bersedia, saya akan kembali"

Baru baru ni, saya pergi ke foot refleksology, amoi ni urut kaki saya. Sembang punye sembang dia tanya lah saya dah ada anak ke belum saya jawab "belum la, banyak susah mau pregnant oo" dia jawab dengan selamba " ini semua aa takdir u tau ka. tuhan ah tak mau kasi u cepat cepat, nanti dia cincai cincai kasi u, tak dak baik. tunggu lama kasi u, mau kasi baik baik punya. dengar u punya cakap, sekolah pandai". Terkesima la kejap. Walaupun agak pelik, tapi ia mampu buat saya tersenyum.

Hari ini saya period selepas lebih 7 hari menunggu period due.Sedih? bulan ini tidak, bulan depan mungkin, bulan lepas pasti.

Saya ingin meminta maaf secara terbuka kepada Emy Suraya  kerana hari ni saya memalukan dia. Dan kepada suami saya yang akan membaca tp mungkin bukan hari ni :

11 years ago you were my friend, 10 years ago you were my boyfriend, 2 years ago you were my fiance, 1 year ago, you take me as your wife and until now, you are still all those people that make my life a living heaven.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

PCOS

28th February 2011

Jumpa Dr Sharifah sekali lagi, kali ini, telur telah membesar dari 1.5 mm ke 2.22 mm tetapi sayangmnya hanya ade satu telur sahaja membesar bagaikan juara. Kata Dr kalau dah makan clomid ni, orang normal akan keluarkan banyak telur yang boleh dan berpotensi untuk matang tetapi kerana saya ni PCOS, jadi ubat tu kurang keberkesanannya mungkin.

Dr cakap kalau telur banyak, bolehlah kite cuba bermacam cara maybe time intercourse @ IUI. tetapi disebabkan saya hanya ade 1 telur, jadi normal intercourse lah bulan ni...seandainya saya datang period dan tidak mengandung, Dr suruh saya makan Clomid lagi : this time it's no longer 50gm or 100gm. it's 150 gm. Dr kata kalau next month, dia tidak berpuas hati dgn tumbersaran telur saya, saya kena buat ovarian drilling.tetapi kalau lah dia puas hati, maybe terus buat IUI.

kalau nak tahu lebih lanjut ttg PCOS, boleh baca article written by Dr Hamid Arshat

http://www.hamidarshat.com/polycystic-ovary-informasi-162.html/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKEFEOy9O1s : dan ini pula video Ovarian Drilling

I never had any kind of surgery before : so good luck trying to get pregnant Emy Suraya.

It just doesn't come easy for you !!!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

12th Day

okay... this entry has to be short due to my hectic work schedule.

26th Feb is my 12th day of menstrual cycle.
I have taken clomid from day 2 till day 6, and today I have to go see Dr Sharifah Halimah.
my body react positively to clomid and my egg has developed to  15 mm @ 1.5 mm( I am not so sure myself) but it is not big enough. It need to go to at least 18 mm before it can be released into the fallopian tube.
So, I have  to come again on Monday 28th Feb to see the development of my egg. Keeping my finger cross till then and hope to get better news.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

False Alarm !!

My last post was on 27th December 2010. This is what happened since then :

29th December 2010 : I got my period, it was heavy at first and lasted for nearly 7 days.

6th January 2011 : Cik Juriah datang mengurut dirumah. Dia ni bidan & boleh betulkan peranakkan. So, dia urut punyer urut, dia kata rahim saya tak tinggi cuma kecut sahaja...ala ala mcm pintu rahim tertutup la dan disebabkan itulah, kalu make love jer, mesti terkeluar balik sbb dia tak masuk pada tempatnyer. Jadi dia pun betulkanlah.. A few days after that, kiteorg pun test la keberkesanan Cik juriah ni, and to our suprise, mmg tak de keluar. try lagi, tak keluar jugak..try lagi dan lagi, tak keluar jugak. *sudahsudahlatrytu*

I am supposed to get my period on the 26 th of January tp  period pun.Waited for 3 days  tp tak period jugak,

29th January 2011 : Test pregnancy tetapi Negative. Saya telah mula risau kenapa period tak datang and was thinking of taking medcine yg saya selalu amik utk bg period keluar...tapi bila petang sikit, period keluar, tp sgt sgt sgt sedikit.Tak kena kat pad pun.Dlm 2 hari masih sama sangat sikit dan pink in colour. Mungkin period ni tak dpt keluar betul betul kot.

5th February 2011 : Baru balik dr kenduri brother in law di Terengganu, sakit la pinggang teramat sangat, saya pun panggil Cik Juriah balik untuk mengurut, lagipun mmg lepas period dah patut urut balik peranakkan ni. Storylah kat Cik Juriah ttg period yg sedikit itu. Dia pun kata, meh dia check dulu, kot kot ade isi. Tekan punyer tekan, dia kata kemungkinan ade pasal urat batang ape ntah, dah keras..Wah...mungkin penantian akan berkahir kot..tp dia kata tggu dua minggu lg pastu test pregnancy. Dia tak janji tapi dia kata ikutkan pengalaman dia mungkin ade. Skrg ni katanyer, saya perlu pantang jangan minum air gas, nenas, kelapa,  jgn angkat benda berat dan sebagainya.

Tapi kan manusia ni tak reti sabar, tak nak tunggu 2 minggu, nak test pregnancy jugak jugak. Esok nyer saya pun test ( - Ve) . Ermmm...mama suh tunggu lagi 2 minggu, BFF Aini Qamariah kata kalu tak leh tunggu, kamu gi jmpa doctor.

8th February 2011 : Jumpa dengan Doc Jayabalan, in the midst of telling the story, dia tanya whether I mkn ubat yg dia prescribe tak? I said no, then spontaneously he said " then I can Assure you 100 % that u are not pregnant" and at that moment I sort of forze in time. I dunno what to think or what to say or how to react. Dia kata ape pun meh kita buat test. Test la ovary and uterus smua. Dia kata tak pregnant tp ade something sort of like selaput yg tak bagi period tu keluar and if I am really pregnant, that selaput will then turn to kantung for the baby to sit it in lah...skrg ni, pregnant ke tak, itu pertanyaan yg seharusnye..but being in the state of shock that I am, I didn't ask anything, he gave me a ubat dia kata if within 10 days I still didn't get my menstrual period, than I might be pregnant. So sekarang we are soooo confuse whether or not I am pregnant coz sekejap kata 100% tak sekejap kata maybe...tp still mcm org kena pukau...kami berdua ni anguk aje.
keluar dr hospital baru lah otak cair sikit, baru pikir mcm mcm.Hubby said dia nk second opinion coz the doc looks hesitated. We ask opinion from family and friends so we make up our mind that we certainly need a second opinion as the first doc is not that convincing.

9th February 2011 : I called Ar Ridzuan Medical Center because we want to get an opinion from a malay doc plak. Tapi Doc ade 2 org, sorg hari ni tak de kat sana sbb dia ade kat klinik dia sendiri, sorg lagi full plak. So I called KPJ Ipoh Specialist plak, Dr Adlan, the one doc I have heard of, full jugak hari ni. Pegi ke klinik Foo at Ipoh Garden ( we figure if we cannot find a malay doc, then we will go to any chinese doc). Dr Foo pulak tak de kat klinik. Ptg nnt baru ade. At that moment , I was thinking that maybe Allah didn't want us to see any doc. We were about to gave up when I called KPJ again and ask for other malay  gynecology and they passed me to Klinik Dr Sharifah Halimah. Doc Sharifah plak mmg free so they ask me to come right away.

Cerita lah kat Dr Sharifah ni pasal smua smua ni lah...dia kata I have PCOS..which  Dr Jayabalan had mention before. Meaning I might not ovulate or even if I ovulated, the egg might not be mature enough to get ferterlised. As usual Dr Sharifah pun kata I have to loose some weight in order for the hormone to be balance. But at the same time I have to take clomid because dia kata saya takkan boleh pregnant secara sendirinye sbb saya ade problem..saya perlu dibantu dan dimonitor. Dr check ovary and uterus and I am Officially NOT PREGANANT ...my period cuma tak keluar because lack of hormone and maybe I am not ovulating.

She said I am now in her 6 Month pregnancy programme. Dia bagi Norcolut utk bg period keluar and then after period dah keluar dia bg Clomid makan 2 tablet 1 hari from day 2 to day 6 of period nnt dan saya kena jumpa dia balik on day 12.

Before I enter the Doctors room I pray hard to Allah " Seandainya aku mengandung, Alhamdulillah. Seandainya tidak, aku memohon agar aku kuat dan tabah menerima dugaan ini" and alhamdulillah, no matter how high I hope for it to be true, no matter how I froze when Doctors tell me that I am not pregnant, I didn't shed a tear.

Monday, December 27, 2010

27 December

1 hour ago, I was at the Doctor's Clinic. Appointment at 10 am.

I gained 0.5 kg instead of losing around 3 - 4 kilos for the last 2 cycle. Doc pun terkejut...Saya tak terkejut sbb mmg dah agk pun berat bertambah sbb saya makan je ape yg saya nk.

Doc explain the result of my blood test...as expected, hormon lelaki lebi banyak dr perempuan. Doc kata if hormon tak stabil selagi tu, bagi ubat ape pun, mcm tak guna. It's like giving clomid to a man!! it wont work. According to the result of the blood test , my Egg was release even before it matures, jadi, mmg mcm mana skalipun, ia takkan dapat disenyawakan.

The best way now is to make my hormone stable again. disebabkan saya skip makan ubat dan saya tak diet properly, saya kena makan lagi ubat ni untuk 1 lagi cycle.*padan muka*

oh lupa plak nk cakap, hari tu, a few day after menstrual period ends, saya pegi mengurut dekat sorang makcik ni, dia cakap, kdg2 org susah mengandung pasal kedudukan rahim yg tidak betul menyebabkan, sperms tidak dapat masuk dlm rahim. Menurut makcik ni, kalau kita make love, and air mani suami kite keluar dr vagina kita, memang takkan dapat anak.Kalau tak keluar langsung tu, harapan menjadi tu tinggi...

makcik tu bagi air penawar, dua dua kena minum, pastu bagi sireh dan pinang yag masih belum jatuh ke tanah, suruh kunyah dan air sireh tu sapu kat perut dan mengurut biasa lah..

Ape ape pun kite cube, cara mana yg berjaya, itu tak kesah. Harap harap hidup kita tak berdua lagi, kalau la takdir hidup kita berdua aje, MAKE MOST OUT OF IT ...Love You B